I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
