I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
