After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
