Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
