I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
