The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
