my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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