Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
