i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
