What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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