Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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