Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
