your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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