just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
