my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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