You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
