theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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