I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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