I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
