Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
