I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
