I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
