You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
