i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
