Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
