drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
