I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
