just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
