My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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