I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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