FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
