Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
