I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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