May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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