omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
