Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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