I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
