someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
