There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
