I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
