everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
