I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
