I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
