I hope mine doesn't look like that
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
