I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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