I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
