Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
