It was like getting head from an anaconda
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I believe in your delicious
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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