I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
