I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
