I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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